For the first time in months, things feel normal…
all in the midst of learning to rest in the Lord. (oh and an ode to the special dinners.)
In the studio with Never in Denver (l-r: me, Chris Kennedy, Posido Vega, Nucleo Vega)
Gray waves lash angrily at the pebbled shore, as I attempt to walk the beach. A light sprinkle of rain mixed with the ocean spray hit my face mixing with tears. Simply put, I am overwhelmed by the last month. Beginning May 1st, and continuing to this very minute, each defining aspect of my life is being challenged or changed or shaken — living situation, job, singleness, friendships, serving opportunities. I can do nothing but pray expectantly for God’s faithfulness.
Before starting in August at Montrose Christian School, the Lord brought me to the scripture in Isaiah 64:3-5b, 8.
3 For when you did awesome things that we did not expect,
you came down, and the mountains trembled before you.
4 Since ancient times no one has heard,
no ear has perceived,
no eye has seen any God besides you,
who acts on behalf of those who wait for him.
5 You come to the help of those who gladly do right,
who remember your ways …
8 Yet, O LORD, you are our Father.
We are the clay, you are the potter;
we are all the work of your hand.
Though this passage is a prayer of petition before the Lord, reminding the Israelites of God’s majesty and awesome power, there are humbling implications to be gleaned for me personally. (1) God’s ways are higher and mightier and more strategic than mine. His sovereignty supersedes my plans, and its at His name and His plan every knee bows… not mine. (2) He seeks a people humbled and willing to walk sacrificially, a people who recognizes Him as the ultimate Creator. We are the work of His hand. God, who carefully crafted us, has an everlasting love and longing for His people. (3) In this He is pleased with people who walk in faith and wait on His timing. He is excited to shower His people with an overwhelming love.
Lord, may I only be overwhelmed with You. “When He did things which we did not expect…”
At the beach with Nat and Sarah.
Where does one begin, after over 3 months of inactivity. Where does one begin after over 3 months of a rollercoaster ride which has literally halted? One word – SUMMARY.
February 2009: 4 retreats (1 per weekend), concerts with Sarah and Ben Knear
Sarah and I at the 2009 ABC Ladies Retreat
Sarah and I at Jammin' Java's (with Ben Knear) catching Justin Trawick's concert
March 2009 – Capitals hockey game, Tyrone concert at Jammin’ Java’s, concert opportunity with Ben Carroll in Takoma Park, MD, trip to Pennsylvania
Sarah and I at the Cap's game... yes not the most flattering picture for both of us, but its proof we were at the game.
The Tyrone concert at Jammin' Java's (notice even in heels, I am still short)
Sarah and I in Takoma Park, MD, after gigging with Ben Carroll.
Sarah on the rope of the old tire swing in Nanty Glo, PA
April 2009 – Birthday brunch with new and old friends; 90’s party for Primetime at ABC (Ambassador Bible Church); Sarah’s Cherry Blossom 10miler (yes, I was supposed to run but due to prior ankle sprain… surprise, surprise), preparation for a move to Burke, VA
Front l-r: Lisa Mann, Emily Suo, Vivian Yi; Back l-r: Tim Lo, Ben Knear, Jesse Vizcaino, Kristin Schaub, me, David Yi
My attempt at 90's gear... it turned out more 50's... but I tight-rolled my jeans
Tim, Stephanie, Kezhen and Mike playing Nintendo; notice the ORIGINAL gear.
Sarah finishing the Cherry Blossom 10 miler!! (So proud of you my friend.)
Tim (Sarah's boyfriend) and I accompanied Sarah to the race, getting breakfast and cheering her at the finish line.
Work: Throughout February, March and April, I was spending much time with Jazz music. Alexander Street Press released its JAZZ product which required hours of listening, often deciphering between bebop, hardbop, cool jazz, etc.
Well friends, as you can see, I have given you a scattered smattering of 3 months; this without touching May. May will be a different beast of its own, complete with late night music sessions, a new house, continued Katrina Relief work, and others… stay tuned.
My great grandmother’s delicate, yellow rose bush had its final pathetic bloom of the summer, and I convinced myself it was time to prune. Though the blossoms had been lessening over the last three years, I had deliberately put off the process, afraid the bush could not handle the strategic cuts. Finally, with summer almost passed and a heart-felt prayer for survival, I gingerly began cutting away the dead vines.
At first, I only cut a few inches, but then quickly realized each puny branch was useless. After a deep sigh filling moments of frustrated cutting, I was left with the mere core of the rose bush. It was here I had finally found fresh, green life — a life encompassed, solely, in 5 inches of a once vibrant and large delicate, yellow rose bush. Survival seemed only a chance, only a whisper.
I knew from a wise Book, after such a harsh pruning, life continued to breathe in the roses, but its outward matter would not flower for quite some time. At first, as summer fell into autumn, I did not mind looking at a rose “stump”, I still had faith in its future growth, remembering the past beauty of those yellow roses. Yet as fall died away into winter, and the ground was covered in snow, so was my hope covered, in seeing those yellow buds.
This is a season of faith. Pruning before a long winter leaves a heart hurting as the season of winter approaches, storms and drags on. Hope is covered and crowded out by discouragement and despair, yet in Christ Jesus, our lives are never a “lost cause.” With the light of Christ living in our hearts, even in the darkest seasons, that life [that light] will not die. We have a great Hope that has given us reason to believe we will see abundant life again. Isn’t this His promise? A hope and a future — not ease and comfort — but a hope and a future in an Anchor that will not fail, in a Warrior who does not grow weary, in a Savior who conquered death.
My dear friend, your rose bush will bloom again. Even at this moment, our great God is whispering life into new spiritual growth, which will in time produce flower buds, which will bloom to greater proportions than you can imagine.
Hope — the winter will pass and life will spring abudant.
Crying is all I can do,
As battered and weak I crawl
Past the riverbanks, where sweet Water flows.
Mourning is upon my lips
As torn and weary I fall
Crossing the threshold of His throne room
High King, my plea upon my lips,
Have mercy on me, I lost sight of You in battle.
High King, my cries urgent in desperation,
Have mercy on me, I turned against You at the darkest hour.
High King, my voice now barely a whisper,
Mercy, please mercy.
The Mighty Warrior steps from His throne,
With a stature majestic and sure.
Ashamed and broken,
I lay facedown upon the floor.
Look at My feet.
His voice reverberating through the air
I lift my heavy head,
Viewing feet that have walked many miles,
Fought many battles
And were brutally pierced and scarred.
Look at My hands.
A command that shakes the walls of the castle.
I gingerly lift myself to kneel before Him,
Viewing hands that has built villager’s homes,
Holds a warrior’s sword
And were brutally pierced and scarred.
Look at My eyes.
A voice so tender encourages me.
As my limp body is being lifted to standing position.
Embarrassed I look at those gentle eyes
Eyes that watched the heavens created,
Eyes that have seen the pit of Hell
Eyes that see all evil done to His people
Eyes that watched my birth and my growth
Eyes that watched me turn against Him.
Such tender eyes.
Forgive me, my Lord, I whisper,
Silently pleading for mercy, overwhelmed by His majesty.
Not a word from His lips, such tender eyes.
He begins to wash my wounds.
No, no, I plead, I did it. Let me clean my own wounds.
But His eyes, such tender eyes silenced me.
Sweet mercy from my King.
I can’t find that one thing, and its important.
I need it and can’t find it, but I remember delicately storing it.
Or did I put it in a different “good spot” to remember?
Oh no, did I throw it away?
I couldn’t have. I wouldn’t have.
Would I?
My closet is getting smaller and smaller.
Everything in there is seemingly important,
Representing each day of my entire life.
But is it all important? Can I get rid of anything?
Purge! Purge! Keep only what’s necessary.
Keep, throw out, keep, keep, keep… um, decide next week… throw out
Wait am I going to need this for the future?
I think its time for coffee.
After seven months of searching, I have found a new home church in Ambassador Bible Church. The search was difficult and wearing on my Spiritual health, but looking back, the Lord needed to break me of “frivolous” expectations and point to what mattered – Himself glorified. Between July and November, and having been taught to “test every[thing]“, I sat through various church worship services going through my mental checklist (in no particular order).
Ambassador Bible Church (ABC), from the first visit, set itself apart. The current sermon series is touching each point of the Evangelical Free’s statement of faith. The series started with a message called “It’s All About the Gospel” reminding believes that we are both the guardians and the torch bearers of the gospel. Last week’s message was touching on the greatness of God; Pastor JP, among the many scriptural references, quoted my two favorite authors – R.C. Sproul and John Piper. Also, I will be attending the Women’s Conference in February, starting membership classes in the next quarter, possibly volunteering for Sunday School (yes my friends that means KIDS). Also, In the last year, a recent prayer has been for God to expand my vision of different cultures representing the greater Body of Christ; ABC is extremely diverse.
oh… oh… oh… two more things…
my roommate Sarah and I will be joining the church together, and as an added bonus, the singles are going through John Piper & Wayne Grudem’s Recovering Biblical Manhood and Womanhood.
We can expect great things from our Mighty God. He heard my prayer for a church home and has graciously answered.
To play my best for Him. To play my best for the King of Kings and Lord of Lords.
May we give Jesus our all!
I am frequently exposed to new genres of music, new musicians, new sounds, new instruments, and sometimes feel like I am on “music overload.” Every once in a while, a musician comes along who cannot be ignored.
Several times over the last 4 days, I have listened to the Avishai Cohen Trio album “Gently Disturbed”, from track 1 (Seattle) to track 11 (Structure in Emotion). So for your viewing and listening pleasure, I present to you two YouTube videos of Avishai Cohen (the first with his trio and the second solo).
Faithless, without discipline – I come
Works destroyed under sin – I come
Courage lost, compromised – I come
Fearful, embarrased – I come
Calloused, mere hardened clay – I come
Your love, vast – YOU came
Perfection sacrificed – YOU came
Resurrected Substitution – YOU live
Tender compassion, grace – YOU CALL
